The Screaming Divas Captain O' Captain and Webmaster has been on hiatus for a couple of years honing her mediocre tennis skills, fomenting insurgence in suburbia, finding herself in improbable conditions, becoming a rock star (see image, bottom), and obtaining an unlikely terminal degree in comma-splice detection. As a result of the latter, she will forevermore be referred to as "Doctor Captain."*

She has collected a carefully calibrated yet eclectic collection of, in some cases, wildly inconsistent female tennis players who look good in a variety of tennis apparel.

July 27, 2010. NEW! My sweet dolly Divas, Fans, Friends & Lovers & Friends of Lovers & Diva Lovers & Fans of Divas With Lovers! Your Captain O' Captain knows you crave her reportage of Diva Happenings, and in a more agreeable atmosphere, she would apologize profusely for what might be characterized as oscitance had you seen her in person. But all of that is mostly hypothetical discursive ramblings similar to the garrulous desultary performance-based rhetoric twittering across Facebook. In that regard and because your Captain O' Captain does not want to fall into the vortex of lost sensation, she made herself a lovely spinach salad and deleted her Facebook account, including 58 photo albums. She would like to remind her "friends," though, that whilst she did technically delete them as "Friends," they are still (upon their cooperation) "friends."

Your Captain O' Captain has recently returned from Saddlebrook Tennis Resort, where she and a small cadre of tennis warriors engaged in an intense training program under the oppressive weight of excessively painful solar radiation. She did insist that her Diva Travel Mate Audrey (see image left for evidence that Diva Audrey apparently participated voluntarily) photographically document that she hit a backhand. The image (right) does not show actual connection with the ball, but your Captain assures you that the stroke was successfully executed. She has yet to use her new backhand successfully in a situation where the ball is not specifically fed to her backhand, but she believes a spontaneous backhand event is imminent.

In more important news, the Screaming Divas Combo Team is playing TONIGHT at the Florida Tennis Center at 6 pm. Your venerable Captain O' Captain requests that you, and specifically you, attend this special match and support your favorite Diva. Or, in the event that your favorite Diva is sitting on the sidelines imbibing in some sort of fire water, please come over and rub her knee. If she says "no," she's just kidding. As well, this is a reminder that the Divas will have their regular Sunday beer-tennis practice here at 3 pm. If you would like to attend as a guest opponent, please email the Captain O' Captain. Admission to all Trails members is secret but not terribly painful and, most likely, only a misdemeanor.

Days gone by ...

June 30, 2010. Your Doctor Captain O' Captain is back from the jungles of Central America, where she left part of her blood and flesh (see image, right). It was astutely pointed out to her that whilst she was passed out at the centro médico with only the ambrosial Costa Rican doctor and his trusty assistant whom we will refer to as "Jorge," that she may have perhaps unwittingly donated a kidney or other non-vital organ to a pecuniarily successful Third World drug pin with renal failure. In the meantime, she will ignore the jagged scar in her lower abdomen and assume that was from a long forgotten, slightly off-target Caesarean section and focus on more important things, such as the new, spectacular 7.5 Combo Divas!

Your Captain O' Captain is excited almost beyond words (see video, left), but also very sad, as she was somewhat presented with a pre-formed team, otherwise she would have demanded that all of her Diva Elite SEALS immediately re-enlist. No fears, though Divas. There will be Plenty O' Tennis for all. All Old Divas (old in the sense of "longstanding" rather than in the sense of being a moth-eaten woman of advanced age) and New Divas are invited to attend practices and post-coital fêtes involving consumption of fermented fluids and toasted crackers.

Hey honey ... This message is just for you. Don't forget to touch here. I will have something very important to add, once you tell me that you really want to know what it is.

June 19, 2010. We are in an era of epic victories, my sweet Divas. We will practice every day until we achieve our yet-to-be-decided goals. Stay tuned for more ...

June 14, 2010. Oh my sweet Screamers! Your Captain O' Captain is exceedingly grateful for the largesse of her Divas, Fans, Friends & Lovers & Friends of Lovers & Diva Lovers & Fans of Divas With Lovers. Your munificence does not go unrewarded. For each gift given, you will be touched, perhaps metaphorically or superficially, depending on your classification, by your Doctor Captain O' Captain. Now, baby, here I'm talking ONLY to you. ONLY you can see this. This is a private conversation ... This is all about you and me. Put your hand gently on the mouse and click here. Your Captain wishes you the very best experience possible today, and will return at some point to update you on Diva transgressions and diversions. Right now, she must re-begin her excruciating running regime.

June 11, 2010. It was the night of the Diva Elite SEALS Thrice-Greatest Victory! Your Captain O' Captain plied her #1 Singles opponent with Butterscotch Schnapps disguised as cough medicine and then defeated her in a large victory. Hammer T in #2 Singles managed a jarring defeat through forfeit in absentia, as her opponent, hearing rumors of Diva Tonya's propensity for orthopedic violence, fled for the mall.

Divas Robin and Laura battled ferociously in #1 Doubles, but slightly lost in a split set tiebreaker. Divas Joni and Audrey in #2 Doubles and Divas Diana and Susie in #3 Doubles managed to win their matches without violating any of the more significant Florida statutes.

This concludes the final match of the USTA season, but the Screaming Divas Elite SEALS intend to practice every day for the next 12 months, though they have not solidified exactly what they will be practicing.

June 9, 2010. My Diva petunias and Diva followers ... Your Doctor Captain O' Captain reports, while weeping prodigiously, a loss last night against the evil FTC/Rice. She suggests that all Divas, Fans, Friends & Lovers & Friends of Lovers & Diva Lovers & Fans of Divas With Lovers seek consolation in the poetic Book of Lamentations, "Her filthiness is in her skirts" (Lamentations 1:9) possibly referring to the Divas errant choice of pink apparel, which will be replaced by All-Black-Thursday. Your Captain O' instructs her mourning Divas to give themselves no rest. We must soldier on!

The night did have its Diva highlights. First Doubles Divas, including Diva Robin and your Captain O' Captain, won a decisive victory (6-2, 6-3) against their modishly dressed blond-tressed opponents, though there was some question as to whether USTA rules and/or common law decorum allow Diva Robin to challenge the beleaguered women to a "cleavage contest" during changeovers (see image, left).

In an effort to Bridge the Gap to Nowhere between the Extreme Right and Tangentially Left national political factions, your Captain O' Captain celebrated during the post-coital fête involving consumption of fermented fluids with a tempestuous gun-slinging failed vice presidential candidate. When your Doctor Captain asked the rabid eyed femme fatale whether she actually intended to shoot Goldie the Cat, the woman responded with a cryptic shout (a passersby heard "NUCULAR MOTHER") and then swung the gun wildly in the direction of a passing Prius.

The 2nd Doubles Divas, Audrey and Bonnie (see image, left), pulled through with a tie-breaking victory and made a peculiar vow to remain in captivity inside the fence until their next match. Their motivation is uncertain, but the Divas are a very "accepting" group that allows for a wide spectrum of tolerable behaviors. Third Doubles Divas, Susie and Diana, looked spectacular but were ultimately defeated in points; however, they remain undefeatable in warring spirit.

The Singles Divas, Hammer T and Joni, did not technically win but were spotted together after the match, each emitting what some called a copulatory glow (see image, lower right). There are unfounded rumors outside of the scope of your Captain O' Captain's boundaries of carnal understanding.

Our next and final match is this Thursday, my lovelies. Please come cheer your Divas on to certain victory against their Sister Team! Finally, all Divas, Fans, Friends & Lovers & Friends of Lovers & Diva Lovers & Fans of Divas With Lovers are preparing for the Doctor Captain O' Captain's celebration of her 40th Year-On-Earth, and whose birthday coincides precisely with that of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, at a celebratory Saturday night Round Robin. Your Doctor Captain reminds you that she loves you the best. You can confirm that by clicking here and listening to our special song.

June 5, 2010. A thunderstorm of biblical proportions (a New Testament storm, the New International Version, though your Captain O' Captain's religiously relies on the spicier KJV) prevented the Diva Elite SEALS from sealing their victory this week against the cocksure FTC/Rice. For those assiduously following the Diva path-to-thrice-greatest victory, stay tuned. Your Captain O' Captain will soon be sending her Divas out as sheep amongst wolves (and she reminds her sweet Diva SEALS that while many are called - to be Divas - few are chosen), appearing Pretty In Pink.

In the interim, all Divas, Fans, Friends & Lovers & Friends of Lovers & Diva Lovers & Fans of Divas With Lovers can begin and/or continue the month-long natalitious celebrations. Your Doctor Captain previously solicited large, expensive gifts representing your affection; however, she is considered the national recessionary conditions and therefore has decided to rescind that solicitation and, in lieu, suggests that you proffer to her a gesture or tangible item, including edible goods, symbolic of your special relationship with her. An amoret, perhaps. Here now, baby, I am speaking only to you ... Only you can see this. I think of you often and wonder what the future holds. If you feel the same, but only then, CLICK HERE to listen to the special song here for you. All unwanted or ill-fitting gifts will be sent to the Humane Society. What would a dog do with a peignoir, you ask? That depends entirely on the dog.

Perhaps more significantly, lest you think your Doctor Captain is idle, she has posted Timeline of Sex Education Reform in Volusia County Public Schools (and is working on a research paper entitled The Abstinence Mission: Emissions, Taboos, Hell, Purity & Reproductive Abundance) and will eventually, probably, request your support, so she suggests that you lubricate your mind with the facts in preparation for that day. Everything has a reason, my loves, but not everyone has reason.

May 28, 2010. All Divas, Fans, Friends & Lovers & Friends of Lovers & Diva Lovers & Fans of Divas With Lovers! Last night, the Diva Elite SEALS achieved their Greatest Greatest Victory in a match against the truculent though impressively coordinated FTC/King. Your Captain O' Captain roared precipitously to certain victory in #1 Singles (6-0, 6-4) against her opponent, who exhibited traits of a baby dove in the first set but managed an aggressive comeback in the second set. However, she ultimately fell to pieces when your facinourous and infinitely resourceful Diva Captain, feigning affection by gently touching her opponent's bare shoulder, applied a small transdermal patch containing a non-lethal dose of methaqualone to her opponent's sweat encrusted flesh, only to cement what was definite victory under any circumstances. 

In #2 Singles, Hammer T commanded attention when she insisted that her succulently sweet opponent wear a hobble skirt. This was done to avoid the necessity of actually hobbling the woman. Hammer T capped off her 6-2, 6-3 win by smacking herself on her left "cheek" and screaming "SCREW YOU, KERRIGAN!" and mumbling something inarticulate about "Detroit 1994." Your Captain O' (see image, right, click to enlarge) and Hammer T sauntered off only to find that all three pairs of Doubles Divas had lost their first sets. Devastated, the victorious Singles Divas took refuge by submerging themselves in Diva Joni's life-sized beer cooler.

Divas Laura and Audrey (see image, left, click to enlarge) and Divas Bonnie and Marci (see image, below left, click to enlarge) were fatally bamboozled by FTC/King's shady playing. There were accusations of gerrymandering, later dismissed. However, in the most arresting and heroic spectacle to date, Divas Diana and Susie (see image right below) came back from losing the first set 2-6 to win a second set tiebreaker and then a split set tie breaker and WIN THE MATCH FOR THE ENTIRE DIVA ELITE SEALS TEAM!

Mayhem ensued. (The previous sentence was inspired by the eloquent biblical verse famous for its unmatched brevity: "Jesus wept.") See full photo coverage of the Greatest Greatest Victory by clicking here! Turn up your audio and be sure to click the teeny "play" button in the lower right corner of the link. eCommerce note: For full size, full resolution images of Diva Susie, please send thumbnail and $87 to 10 Lake Walden Trail, Ormond Beach, Florida 32174. (Not an actual "thumb nail" but a "thumbnail" of the image you so desire.)

All Divas, Fans, Friends & Lovers & Friends of Lovers & Diva Lovers & Fans of Divas With Lovers are invited to attend next week's match at home against the Evil FTC/Rice. All those mentioned above are further encouraged to henceforth begin planning and saving for your Doctor Captain O' Captain's celebration of her 40th Year-On-Earth involving some sort of tennis fiesta the afternoon/evening of June 12. Large, expensive wrapped presents are not only encouraged but requested.

[FYI: There WAS "a post-coital fête involving consumption of fermented fluids and toasted crackers." See prediction May 25, 2010, P2, below.]

May 25, 2010. Fitness & Health Update. As your Doctor Captain O' Captain has heaved and gasped under the pressure of a few erratic singles matches, she has decided to embark on a new cardio training regime centered on "running." As a full member of the local running club, she is familiar with the beer runs and after-race celebrations, but has yet to actually "run." She began this morning to the consternation of many neighbors and passing drivers seemingly perplexed at her unconventional fitness system that involved walking to the beat of REM's "everybody hurts" and then spontaneously bursting into a full throttle run for several feet and then falling forward into a tangled heap of pink and green Nike Dri-FIT© apparel until she could regain her breath for the next leg of her one-mile circuit. She is determined to further investigate the concept of "pacing" and is excited about new apparel acquisition opportunities.

All Divas, Fans, Friends & Lovers & Friends of Lovers & Diva Lovers & Fans of Divas With Lovers are encouraged to attend the Diva's future Greatest Greatest Victory at this week's match Thursday at 7 pm at FTC. There may be a post-coital fête involving consumption of fermented fluids and toasted crackers.

May 18, 2010. Oh my Diva Fans, Friends & Lovers ... Your Webmaster (still basking in the Divas' greatest victory: see video of Diva Victory Speech below) has stumbled upon Flash technology and is swimming in code. Her unyielding resistance to binary structures and inattention to detail, however, has rendered her marginally incompetent as a Webmaster. Therefore, as an artistic venture rather than a portfolio sample of technical proficiency, she has created a video-like photomontage of the Elite SEALS' team's most recent Sunday Beer-Music-Girls-Tennis practice, set to appropriately inspirational audio. You must enable Java Script or some other such thing to gain access and turn on your audio for the fullest experience. Do as your computer says. There is no threat other than the possibility that you may fall in love with a special Diva. Click here to see the Divas in action! (Note #1: Special emphasis on Diva Susie should be attributed to market pressures rather than her partner Diva Diana's prejudice as stand-in photographer.)(Note #2: Lest you think the Diva Webmaster has an excess of time to devote to her coverage of the Divas, you should be aware that she is honing her technical skills for Fall 2010, Visual Design.)

May 16, 2010. Your Captain O' Captain and Webmaster has received multiple enthusiastic requests for more "coverage" of a particular Diva Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named lest she be embarrassed by the attention. (See image, right.) Literally, the request for for "less coverage" of this exceptionally pulchritudinous elite player, but your Captain O' Captain refuses to insist that any of her precious Diva Bunnies compromise their morals in the absence of considerable remuneration in the form of many untraceable small bills or appropriate oral "flattery" in whatever manner that particular Diva sees fit.

Further, your Captain O' Captain has received word from the USTA war theater that not only were two players DQed from our Sister Team, but that the entire team was lined up against a fence and pelted with fire stones, and that they have been ousted en masse from the league. She asks that if you have any information that you immediately advise your stymied Captain O' Captain via courier pigeon, to insure security.

May 14, 2010. Oh my glorious Elite Diva SEALS! In what is clearly an act of God, the Divas' technical "loss" last night has been transubstantiated into their greatest victory! Your Captain O' Captain battled relentlessly in a singles match against a vicious but unassumingly civil opponent who felt compelled to engage in strategically successful acts of torture, so that your dearest long-limbed but slightly apraxic Captain O' Captain - who is more accustomed to dropped articles of clothing and the lobbing of mild sexual innuendoes over coffee than drop-shots three inches from the net inevitably followed by a lob directly on the baseline - felt compelled to scream obscenities and tear off her marginally appropriate tennis outfit in an effort to distract or at least frighten her opponent. Ultimately, your Captain O' Captain "lost" the match 7-5, 7-5, but was awakened this morning with a call that it was all a terrible, devilish dream, and that she did in fact WIN the match, because her opponent was disqualified for playing in the Wimbledon Finals in 2007, or something quite close to that, rendering her opponent a 4.0 player. This brought the Divas to a 3-2 VICTORY over their sister team birthed from the same mother's cavity as reported, yet retaining higher levels of testosterone and anatomically generated Fen-Phen.

Diva Tonya ripped through the other singles player in a runaway victory that left her grabbing a bottle of beer from a crusty male member of the club (not a "crusty male's member" though there has been some speculation) and smashing it over her own head, whilst screaming what was reported as instructions for her opponent to do things to and/or for her that are illegal in the majority of US states as well as some smaller sovereign countries. Robin and Laura managed to pull off an impressive win in a third set tiebreaker, with both Divas engaging in a post-match chest bump that ultimately crushed one unfortunate passerby. Divas Bonnie and Audrey played an admirable match, as did Divas Leen and Susie, with Leen baring her teeth in a manner that was deemed physically threatening to those within a 10 foot radius.

The Divas have a week off, but intend to enter a rigorous training schedule and diet of steel nails and organic pomegranate beer.

May 12, 2010. The Elite Diva SEALS are preparing for their first victory tomorrow night against their Sister Trails Team. While both teams may have been birthed out of the same mother's open cavity, the Divas intend to show no love. Apparently, both teams have lost both of their previous matches, meaning that one team's losing streak will end. The Divas have decided to be that team. In that vein, they have been practicing with a vengeance usually saved for D/dancing with W/wolves and/or consumption of palliative methamphetamines. The Divas have been instructed that shoving fistfuls of clay down their opponents' tennis undies is unacceptable behavior unless both parties agree and receive mutual satisfaction, but Diva Leen has stated in no uncertain terms that she will sacrifice her morals and ethics, even at the cost of county incarceration, for the larger good of her team (see image, right).

Your Dearest Doctor Captain O' Captain is still stinging from her opponent's assertion earlier this year that she possesses "chicken limbs" (see image, left). In a related matter, she recently experienced a biking accident, non-alcohol related, disfiguring her elbow, knee, and hip, and rendering her unable to assume the role of spokesperson and supermodel for a new product line called "OMG WTF WWJD, LOL." Instead, she will be a vocal silent partner and advocate of the text-based clothing line and relationship counseling facility.

In other Diva news, your Captain O' Captain was battling out a practice match with Diva Susie wherein she identified Diva Susie's exceptional potential and also noted that her Sweet Susie Diva seems to live in a world of Tennis Whites, Rainbows, and Butterflies (see image, right). She feels that the Diva Team can use this Goodness as a tool for the utter destruction of their opponents.

May 3, 2010. Quick photo update, my little kumquats! The Elite Divas were caught practicing yesterday and the authorities are still investigating. Here are a few of the photos taken into evidence. You can click on them to enlarge the image, but it has been suggested that you first procure protective eyewear or perhaps a sleepmask.

There are issues of aggression, violence, delusions, and ball toss height that the Divas are currently addressing through a regimen involving alcohol consumption and scream therapy.

April 30, 2010. Oh my Elite Screamers! The day has come for you to slather your cellulite with cocoa butter, suck in your tummy tucks, hike up your skirts, and show the opposition your balls, metaphorically rather than anatomically and with great verve. (See practice instructions below, beginning with "get your racquets restrung" etc. Note the emphasis on thigh preparedness. This is no accident, my little chickens. You will find your game between your legs. Tight focus is key to victory.) Tonight we play our first Elite Diva match at home against the Evil King/FTC. If you are a Diva fan, friend, or lover, please come out to cheer on your favorite Diva and possibly vote on team uniforms (proposed uniform: see image, right).

April 23, 2010. It was the best of times; it was the crappiest of times. It was a time of great Diva strife and elation, victory and loss, violence on the court and love in the various Diva conjugal beds, none of which were shared intra-team. The 2009-2010 GVTL season is over. Your Doctor Captain chooses not to check the rankings because in the scheme of things, she feels that her Divas would be better served cloaked in a warm blanket of blissful ignorance. In an effort to escape the rigors of her role as Doctor Captain, your Doctor Captain recently affixed herself with straps to a burly man smelling distinctly of smoke and testosterone, sat on the precipice, received word from God (not the New Testament triadic version but instead the Omniscient-Energy-That-Permeates-the-Universe version with a slight Mongolian accent) that she must lead a USTA 3.5 Women's team to glorious victory, and then fell 14,000 feet to the ground. Thus:

Yes, my glorious Chicas! USTA season is here. There is a new breed of Diva afoot: The USTA 3.5 Women's 2010 Screaming Divas Elite SEALS. First match, this week. Diva SEALS: Get your racquets restrung, bring out the ball machines, take lessons, workout the kinks in your strokes, moisten your thighs, and get ready to swing. Low to high, my little chickens!

March 3, 2010. In a feat that cannot be explained by logic or history, our arguably meretricious and certainly capricious Screaming Divas have moved from LAST to FIRST place in the GVTL rankings. Your Doctor Captain O' Captain admits to an unnecessarily maudlin display of emotion in the hopes of catching the flash of paparazzi, though she has seen no flashes other than an occasional flashback to simpler times when captaining her Screaming Divas involved no more than coordinating the icing of a six-pack for post-match consumption. Now, she must spend an inordinate amount of time analyzing statistics, drafting proposed lineups, organizing practices that inevitably result in odd-numbered attendance due to the erratic nature of Divas' schedules, handling the many personal and potentially legal crises of her sweet Diva puppies, or thinking about doing these things.

In their most recent match against the dubitable Brandywine Ballers, the Screaming Divas rocked the courts with Diva Lisa (see file image, right) winning singles, your Captain O' Captain and Leen taking first doubles in two sets, and Tonya and Shilo barely losing second doubles. Yo' Captain and Leen were behind in both sets, yet incorporated a strategy of "Bitch Slapping©" the ball in a way that caused the opponents to shriek periodically as if being attacked, and creating a scenario wherein the Ballers grew progressively confused at the aggressive physical nature of the game at hand. In an unprecedented move, Diva Leen then ran around the net and chest bumped the deucy-side player, knocking her to the ground. It is possible though not probable that the resulting concussion may have affected the Baller's reaction time to the repeated Bitch-Slap© shots. At the conclusion of the match, Diva Leen was seen ripping open a bottle of Belgian beer with her teeth and spitting the cap at a weeping, bleeding Baller.

The Divas recently had an impromptu practice, which your Captain O' Captain (see image, left) has now established as a compulsory volunteer event for all active Divas. During a break, Diva Anna was spotted inexplicably sunbathing one leg and one arm. (See image right.)

Your Captain O' Captain is attempting to work with Diva Tonya and her insistence on carrying a refrigerator everywhere she goes. Your Captain has politely suggested that Diva Tonya leave the full size model in her bedroom and purchase a dorm size version for travel. (See image below left.) Your Captain is scheduling an Official Intervention as soon as she can arrange for appropriate keg rental and an regulation-size beer pong table.

More significantly, the Divas gave birth to a new member. Diva Jane Paulsen (see image, right) has joined the Screaming Divas and, to date, is blissfully unaware that all Divas must undergo full immersion baptism in clear fluid followed by a vegetarian sushi dinner at the home of the Captain O' Captain, similar to the membership criteria required by Riverbend Church outlined here (in part, "baptism by immersion after salvation" and BBQ after salvation at Pastor Hargrave's home). Your Captain O' Captain sincerely hopes that you click here to review the criteria for admission to Riverbend Church, so that you can help her provide Pastor Hargrave with "evidence of salvation," as she does wish to avoid being "cast into hell" and thrown headfirst into the "Lake of Fire."

January 21, 2010. Yikes, my poopkas. Our Fighting Divas managed to beat the odds and lose EVERY set against the monstrous Brandywiners last week ... a team comprised of chimeras and basilisks, who appeared to be drinking blood from crusty thermoses during the odd-numbered change overs, while our own team sipped the nectar of kindness from recyclable paper cups.

Your Captain O' Captain fought to the end against the semi-professional heavyweight singles player, losing 7-5, 6-3, but maintaining her dignity by only screaming "Oh My Mother-F(*&^%$# God Help Me Hit the Mother-F(*&^%$# Ball Over the Mother-F(*&^%$# Net" a mere 18 times in one set, and only physically attacking her opponent with her racquet butt when strictly necessary to make a point. This being her second singles match this year, she feels confident that she has nowhere to go but up or down.

Unfortunately, a sufficient number of evenings of revelry have passed wherein your Doctor Captain has forgotten the other Divas' match details, so instead, she will offer you some sage yet possibly counter-productive advice for battle on the tennis courts based on her own intense pre-match preparations, which include the ancient ritual of a receiving a facial mud-smear from a traveling shaman, followed by gazing into the abyss in an effort, sometimes vain and painful, of harnessing the physical prowess and orgasmic focus possessed by us all and yet rarely utilized. (See video, left.) While your Doctor Captain has been working steadily on her tennis game, she also, according to one of her erudite correspondents, may be considering some "neurologically endorsed flashes of insight that will leave listeners slightly imbalanced, seeing in a new light, unifying logic and intuition, passion and compassion, building blocks for the new myths we all crave, the compellingly plausible, bridging mind and body." Regarding tennis match preparations, your Doctor Captain suggests moderate libations, which in her case may include a small iced glass of Almond Breeze fortified with a shot of fire water procured from the Appalachian hinterlands. She also recommends that all Divas bring two racquets to any match wherein their Doctor Captain is scheduled to perform, as she has a tendency to forget hers.

January 5, 2010. Welcome back to earth, my little buttercups! Sweet loves, your Doctor Captain is back, ready to wield her racquet like a bayonet into the bellies of the opposition. The year of 2010 will begin with a raucous match at Port Orange Park. Your Doctor Captain asks that all Divas shift from consumption mode to cleansing, fasting, and voiding all foreign substances from their bodies, their temples. Potent diuretics and/or diarrhetics will be supplied, if requested.

November 13, 2009. Due to unforeseen circumstances of an inconsequential nature, as well as a period of emotional turmoil attributed to her status as a human, Your Doctor Captain has been lax in reporting on the status of her swinging Divas. She did, however, recently successfully identify, target, and acquire two new Divas to serve the cause. Granted, the circumstances were suspect. It was hovering around midnight at a local bar, and the prospective Divas-In-Question were at least mildly inebriated, though not believed to be smoking crack, and your Doctor Captain has been known to be extremely attractive to the intoxicated population. After some wily inquiries by your Doctor Captain, the tipsy tennis players seemed to perk at the prospect of playing for a team that offers beer-tennis sessions on Sunday afternoons. Your Doctor Captain then issued a formal invitation, utilizing an ethically questionable but effective rhetorical strategy. The new Divas accepted, were coronated on the spot, and have not been seen since. 

In any case, your Doctor Captain is back and will be reporting on the status, whereabouts, comings and goings, and menopausal status of the Screaming Divas 4.0 Thursday night team. Please send complaints and libel suits to WTF-RUSerious@screamingdivas.net. Tennis photos coming soon.

October 9, 2009. Your Doctor Captain is still wiping the sweat from her brow after her battle last night against the Oceans singles player who, admittedly, accumulated more points than your dear Doctor Captain over the course of the evening. Your Doctor Captain can only say that she clenched all of her body parts together, in a manner that would have made Dr. Kegel slap his thighs in delight, and fought zealously to the end, retaining a modicum of pride that in her first singles match of the year, she did not thrust the racquet butt into her opposition's homonymically-related body part after particular point losses that caused your Captain O' Captain substantial fluid loss. Sweat, my little chickens, sweat. There was no guttural retching or hot urine of a Diva left on the court. Post-match, she felt a heated sensation in her face and the pressure of her conscience pressing on the back of her head, similar to freefalling with a shorter-than-average man pressing his hand on the back of her head (see image, left--click to enlarge), as a result of her realization that had she prevailed, her adoring Divas would have reigned victorious over Oceans, as Divas Tonya and partner won second doubles and Divas Lisa and Leen lost first doubles. But alas, they must go on to seek dominance another day.

Divas Lisa and Leen managed to lose with incredible style and verve to the savage Oceans players--one with long, unnaturally lightening blond hair that she used as a weapon to whip her partner into a frenzy, who was at one point seen wrapping her long ponytail around the woman's throat and screaming: "Shove it down their throats, B*tch!". Throughout the match, Diva Leen, known for her Belgium fighting spirit and baby soft voice that sounds like butter going down the throat of a panda, was seen chewing on nails that she pulled from the wooden benches with her teeth. She would periodically grimace spit them at Diva Lisa who was playing with only one arm and required medical attention from her Doctor Captain after her first thrashing of the season. Her Doctor Captain selflessly provided the injured Diva with ice from her beer cooler as a palliative for the loss of the game and all sensation in her shoulder. She punished the willing Diva Leen later for her insubordination on the court.

Divas Tonya and her partner managed to pull off the only Diva victory last night, winning in two violent sets wherein Diva Tonya reportedly smashed a beer bottle over her own head and bellowed out the lyrics to Aretha Franklin's combination feminist/gay-man anthem "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" unintentionally misspelling and replacing it with an anagram "S-P-E-C-T-E-R" - a visible ghostlike creature - which the opposition misheard as "Sphincter" - the annular muscle - causing no end of carnage with racquets and balls being thrust into unimaginably small but well-used body cavities. There was a spewing of profanities from both sides that was impressive both in its breadth and depth. A small passel of street whores who wandered off A1A upon hearing the stream of expletives was seen taking notes along the back fence.

October 5, 2009. Exciting news, my Sweet Children O' Mine. We have a Forgotten Diva in our midst. A diva who recently played under cover as a Diva-ette is actually ON our team. In her haste to acquire players for last Thursday's match, your Doctor Captain inadvertently acquired her own player. Your Doctor Captain can only attribute this oversight to chemicals produced in response to overflowing love and passion for her physically attractive but technically unstable stable of Divas, and she will not attribute it to advanced age or bathing in Champagne (the fluid rather than the picturesque travel destination).

October 1, 2009. All your Doctor Captain has to say is: WTF? Your Doctor Captain leaves her Divas to their own devices for one match and havoc ensues. She can only be grateful that there were no complaints filed against her underlings for engaging in alcoholic brouhahas or licentious behavior with inappropriate targets of affection. As your Doctor Captain sipped seafood chowder with a cluster of serious scholars along the Cape Fear River, she received word by carrier pigeon that her Once Glorious Screaming Divas and Diva-ettes have experienced a crushing blow to their collective ego. Defeated in every position? She almost choked on her chowder and was saved only by her quick acting esophageal muscles and her unwavering belief in the redemptive powers of the Militant Diva Training Camp system. Be prepared, Divas, for an intense, painful practice session involving castigatory measures to prevent further season losses.

September 24, 2009. O' glorious Divas! Your Doctor Captain fears that her Diva Team has been infected by a vicious strain of bovine spongiform encephalopathy, inhibiting their ability to hit the tennis ball over the net and yet keep it within the lines drawn around the court. The Screaming Divas suffered a defeat this week against Port Orange Park, with only Diva Lisa winning singles against an opponent seemingly unaccustomed to the sport.

Doctor Captain and Diva Leen played together for the first time, bonding over a shared irritation at one of their opponents who would emit strange rhinosaurus-like moans and roll her dark, empty eyes skyward in apparent disgust at line calls that she perceived from great distance to be misjudgments. This created a situation wherein Diva Leen felt compelled to whisper to Doctor Captain that she wanted in fact to commit felonious acts upon the demented black-haired reprobate involving the racquet and the fuzzy tennis ball. Doctor Captain petted Leen gently on the head and suggested that kindness begets kindness, and that Divas must occasionally suffer fools gladly, and then the Divas kindly though not gladly allowed the middle-aged Port Orange women to achieve a hard earned victory. The Divas note that their opposition was far more middle-aged than the more sprightly Divas, and they further note that the Divas likely lost to the decades of collective experience of their opposition, judging by the advanced ages of those players. More on Diva Tonya and Diva Anna's match soon.

September 17, 2009. Four of the five Screaming Divas drove their team into a devastating loss this evening against the freakishly effervescent Florida Tennis Center, though it is unclear whether gender violations have been committed on the part of the Divas' opposition. It appeared that the giggling and pinkish outfits donned by the FTC "women" may have possibly been subterfuge for a packet of svelte, slightly effeminate men masquerading as a 4.0 cougars. In an effort to draw the "women's" attention away from the court, Doctor Captain exploded into some vicious pole dancing moves during a changeover (see image, left). But alas, her audience of "women" seemed undaunted by her inexplicitly unwieldy choreography topped off by a lap dance with an unnamed bystander that could only be described as "fantastically unbecoming yet provocative."

Post-match, the two Diva doubles teams immediately consumed impressive quarts of Michelob Light, with Diva Anna (see image, right) pointing out that while she and Doctor Captain were consistently behind, they did make an impressive comeback in each set from 4-1 to 6-4 before they threw each set over the precipice.

In a post-match interview, both Doctor Captain and Diva Anna acknowledged being distracted by unexplained "bulk" under their opposing players' nylon tennis skirts and wondering if, perhaps, the power behind the punches came from balls that were not green and fuzzy. Or at least not green. The Divas are holding their tongues, however (for lack of anything else to do with them), and accept full responsibility for their loss against the "stronger" girly-man team.

Diva Lisa did manage to pull off a win in a third-set tiebreaker against a bandana-wearing player of great strength and fortitude. It was unclear whether the two were playing tennis or engaging in what the landmark Masters and Johnson survey of human sexuality might classify as extended noncoital foreplay engendered by mild mutual misogyny typical in a post-feminist age (if, in fact, the survey were updated).

In the extended debriefing session attended by Doctor Diva, Diva Leen (see image, far right), and Diva Tonya (see image, right), it was established that Diva Leen's problem may stem from her reliance on her husband to "remove her thingies" wherein the dependent Diva has never had to take care of her thingies herself. In this instance, Diva Tonya explained that Diva Leen would be required by Diva law to participate in a forced separation from any male counterpart who "removed her thingies" so as to insure total Diva devotion and sacrifice on the court. The results of Diva Tonya's situation assessment are still pending and under review by Doctor Captain.

New photos from the evening are posted here. (Note the term is "new" not "nude". Those are found on a separate site.)

September 10, 2009. The Screaming Divas' 2009-10 season began at home against Racquet Tennis Center with Diva Tonya, prior to her first 4.0 match, sauntering into the Trails Clubhouse sucking on an Amstel Light bottle and choosing not to feign sobriety. (See file image, right.) Doctor Captain quickly admonished her and slammed the half-drunk beer bottle against a wall, causing several useless children to flee but no loss of life. Tonya managed to stumble onto the court with Diva Leen, who informed Doctor Captain minutes prior to the match that she was missing tendons in her hand due to an unfortunate encounter with a falling bathroom mirror. (See image, left.) Doctor Captain, being a Doctor of the Existential Human Condition rather than one of the Human Body and therefore not quite knowing the function of hand tendons, patted her minion on her Belgian head and suggested that she fling herself across the net, causing her opponent sufficient injury to require a forfeit. The Diva partners inexplicably chose to "play it out" and are now in a tiebreaker due to rain.

 

In singles, Diva Lisa tended toward quiet domination using an impressively unconventional style of play, consisting primarily of stoic ground strokes and some incongruous pole dancing moves that seemed to discombobulate her opponent. (See representative image, left) When the perplexed player once questioned Diva Lisa's scorekeeping accuracy, the irate Diva began thrusting her hips wildly and then, according to one witness, pulled a stethoscope out of her tennis bag and strangled her opponent until she agreed that Diva Lisa was correct now and always. Unfortunately, the second set resulted in a tiebreaker that was rained out at 4-3. They will meet again, with the Racquet Tennis Center player most certainly wearing protective gear and a hardened disposition.

 

Doctor Captain (see image, right) and Diva Anna in first-position doubles, hailed victorious in two sets against their exceptionally blond haired opposition, winning the first set 6-3. Diva Anna managed to poach and smash several volleys across the net, causing her opponent to spin around in fright, creating a situation wherein the ball nearly entered the blond woman's body through her pleat-obscured, gender-neutral orifice. Doctor Captain exhibited her usual brute force paying no mind to form or style. The Divas were up 5-2 in the second set when their opponents, who had obviously consumed a mouthful of illegal steroids during the "water break," came back to take the set to 6-6, causing a tiebreaker situation. The Divas, in their now usual functional lassitude, were up 6-2 in the tiebreaker but allowed their opponents a fleeting hope of victory when they lost the next three points, bringing the tiebreaker to 6-5. Diva Anna was serving while simultaneously frothing at the mouth, and in a Diva-like burst of power, returned the return to a place where there was no further possibility for a return, sending the Diva first-position doubles team to uncontested victory.

 

The Screaming Divas look forward to their next match against the Women of the Florida Tennis Center and have vowed to try to avoid spitting and calling them "whores and harlots" aloud, though they make no promises.

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*Your Doctor Captain has also been fielding a wide array of questions from persons interested in her general "orientation", questioning whether she prefers Sapphic adventures, phallus-centric experiences, or some disturbing combination thereof. While she does not mind occasionally clearing up misconceptions about her deepest feelings, emotions, and biological drives to friends and inquisitive near-strangers, she would like to suggest that those interested in understanding such inclinations may be better informed by a deep and unremitting self-examination of their own psycho-sexual psyches, after which they could perhaps allow friends and acquaintances an extended Q&A, explain perceived inconsistencies, and maybe even write a remedial short paragraph about it for posting on Facebook or other public forum.