May 25, 2010. Fitness & Health Update. As your Doctor Captain O' Captain has heaved and gasped under the pressure of a few erratic singles matches, she has decided to embark on a new cardio training regime centered on "running." As a full member of the local running club, she is familiar with the beer runs and after-race celebrations, but has yet to actually "run." She began this morning to the consternation of many neighbors and passing drivers seemingly perplexed at her unconventional fitness system that involved walking to the beat of REM's "everybody hurts" and then spontaneously bursting into a full throttle run for several feet and then falling forward into a tangled heap of pink and green Nike Dri-FIT© apparel until she could regain her breath for the next leg of her one-mile circuit. She is determined to further investigate the concept of "pacing" and is excited about new apparel acquisition opportunities.

All Divas, Fans, Friends & Lovers & Friends of Lovers & Diva Lovers & Fans of Divas With Lovers are encouraged to attend the Diva's future Greatest Greatest Victory at this week's match Thursday at 7 pm at FTC. There may be a post-coital fête involving consumption of fermented fluids and toasted crackers.

May 18, 2010. Oh my Diva Fans, Friends & Lovers ... Your Webmaster (still basking in the Divas' greatest victory: see video of Diva Victory Speech below) has stumbled upon Flash technology and is swimming in code. Her unyielding resistance to binary structures and inattention to detail, however, has rendered her marginally incompetent as a Webmaster. Therefore, as an artistic venture rather than a portfolio sample of technical proficiency, she has created a video-like photomontage of the Elite SEALS' team's most recent Sunday Beer-Music-Girls-Tennis practice, set to appropriately inspirational audio. You must enable Java Script or some other such thing to gain access and turn on your audio for the fullest experience. Do as your computer says. There is no threat other than the possibility that you may fall in love with a special Diva. Click here to see the Divas in action! (Note #1: Special emphasis on Diva Susie should be attributed to market pressures rather than her partner Diva Diana's prejudice as stand-in photographer.)(Note #2: Lest you think the Diva Webmaster has an excess of time to devote to her coverage of the Divas, you should be aware that she is honing her technical skills for Fall 2010, Visual Design.)

May 16, 2010. Your Captain O' Captain and Webmaster has received multiple enthusiastic requests for more "coverage" of a particular Diva Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named lest she be embarrassed by the attention. (See image, right.) Literally, the request for for "less coverage" of this exceptionally pulchritudinous elite player, but your Captain O' Captain refuses to insist that any of her precious Diva Bunnies compromise their morals in the absence of considerable remuneration in the form of many untraceable small bills or appropriate oral "flattery" in whatever manner that particular Diva sees fit.

Further, your Captain O' Captain has received word from the USTA war theater that not only were two players DQed from our Sister Team, but that the entire team was lined up against a fence and pelted with fire stones, and that they have been ousted en masse from the league. She asks that if you have any information that you immediately advise your stymied Captain O' Captain via courier pigeon, to insure security.

May 14, 2010. Oh my glorious Elite Diva SEALS! In what is clearly an act of God, the Divas' technical "loss" last night has been transubstantiated into their greatest victory! Your Captain O' Captain battled relentlessly in a singles match against a vicious but unassumingly civil opponent who felt compelled to engage in strategically successful acts of torture, so that your dearest long-limbed but slightly apraxic Captain O' Captain - who is more accustomed to dropped articles of clothing and the lobbing of mild sexual innuendoes over coffee than drop-shots three inches from the net inevitably followed by a lob directly on the baseline - felt compelled to scream obscenities and tear off her marginally appropriate tennis outfit in an effort to distract or at least frighten her opponent. Ultimately, your Captain O' Captain "lost" the match 7-5, 7-5, but was awakened this morning with a call that it was all a terrible, devilish dream, and that she did in fact WIN the match, because her opponent was disqualified for playing in the Wimbledon Finals in 2007, or something quite close to that, rendering her opponent a 4.0 player. This brought the Divas to a 3-2 VICTORY over their sister team birthed from the same mother's cavity as reported, yet retaining higher levels of testosterone and anatomically generated Fen-Phen.

Diva Tonya ripped through the other singles player in a runaway victory that left her grabbing a bottle of beer from a crusty male member of the club (not a "crusty male's member" though there has been some speculation) and smashing it over her own head, whilst screaming what was reported as instructions for her opponent to do things to and/or for her that are illegal in the majority of US states as well as some smaller sovereign countries. Robin and Laura managed to pull off an impressive win in a third set tiebreaker, with both Divas engaging in a post-match chest bump that ultimately crushed one unfortunate passerby. Divas Bonnie and Audrey played an admirable match, as did Divas Leen and Susie, with Leen baring her teeth in a manner that was deemed physically threatening to those within a 10 foot radius.

The Divas have a week off, but intend to enter a rigorous training schedule and diet of steel nails and organic pomegranate beer.

May 12, 2010. The Elite Diva SEALS are preparing for their first victory tomorrow night against their Sister Trails Team. While both teams may have been birthed out of the same mother's open cavity, the Divas intend to show no love. Apparently, both teams have lost both of their previous matches, meaning that one team's losing streak will end. The Divas have decided to be that team. In that vein, they have been practicing with a vengeance usually saved for D/dancing with W/wolves and/or consumption of palliative methamphetamines. The Divas have been instructed that shoving fistfuls of clay down their opponents' tennis undies is unacceptable behavior unless both parties agree and receive mutual satisfaction, but Diva Leen has stated in no uncertain terms that she will sacrifice her morals and ethics, even at the cost of county incarceration, for the larger good of her team (see image, right).

Your Dearest Doctor Captain O' Captain is still stinging from her opponent's assertion earlier this year that she possesses "chicken limbs" (see image, left). In a related matter, she recently experienced a biking accident, non-alcohol related, disfiguring her elbow, knee, and hip, and rendering her unable to assume the role of spokesperson and supermodel for a new product line called "OMG WTF WWJD, LOL." Instead, she will be a vocal silent partner and advocate of the text-based clothing line and relationship counseling facility.

In other Diva news, your Captain O' Captain was battling out a practice match with Diva Susie wherein she identified Diva Susie's exceptional potential and also noted that her Sweet Susie Diva seems to live in a world of Tennis Whites, Rainbows, and Butterflies (see image, right). She feels that the Diva Team can use this Goodness as a tool for the utter destruction of their opponents.

May 3, 2010. Quick photo update, my little kumquats! The Elite Divas were caught practicing yesterday and the authorities are still investigating. Here are a few of the photos taken into evidence. You can click on them to enlarge the image, but it has been suggested that you first procure protective eyewear or perhaps a sleepmask.

There are issues of aggression, violence, delusions, and ball toss height that the Divas are currently addressing through a regimen involving alcohol consumption and scream therapy.

April 30, 2010. Oh my Elite Screamers! The day has come for you to slather your cellulite with cocoa butter, suck in your tummy tucks, hike up your skirts, and show the opposition your balls, metaphorically rather than anatomically and with great verve. (See practice instructions below, beginning with "get your racquets restrung" etc. Note the emphasis on thigh preparedness. This is no accident, my little chickens. You will find your game between your legs. Tight focus is key to victory.) Tonight we play our first Elite Diva match at home against the Evil King/FTC. If you are a Diva fan, friend, or lover, please come out to cheer on your favorite Diva and possibly vote on team uniforms (proposed uniform: see image, right).

April 23, 2010. It was the best of times; it was the crappiest of times. It was a time of great Diva strife and elation, victory and loss, violence on the court and love in the various Diva conjugal beds, none of which were shared intra-team. The 2009-2010 GVTL season is over. Your Doctor Captain chooses not to check the rankings because in the scheme of things, she feels that her Divas would be better served cloaked in a warm blanket of blissful ignorance. In an effort to escape the rigors of her role as Doctor Captain, your Doctor Captain recently affixed herself with straps to a burly man smelling distinctly of smoke and testosterone, sat on the precipice, received word from God (not the New Testament triadic version but instead the Omniscient-Energy-That-Permeates-the-Universe version with a slight Mongolian accent) that she must lead a USTA 3.5 Women's team to glorious victory, and then fell 14,000 feet to the ground. Thus:

Yes, my glorious Chicas! USTA season is here. There is a new breed of Diva afoot: The USTA 3.5 Women's 2010 Screaming Divas Elite SEALS. First match, this week. Diva SEALS: Get your racquets restrung, bring out the ball machines, take lessons, workout the kinks in your strokes, moisten your thighs, and get ready to swing. Low to high, my little chickens!

March 3, 2010. In a feat that cannot be explained by logic or history, our arguably meretricious and certainly capricious Screaming Divas have moved from LAST to FIRST place in the GVTL rankings. Your Doctor Captain O' Captain admits to an unnecessarily maudlin display of emotion in the hopes of catching the flash of paparazzi, though she has seen no flashes other than an occasional flashback to simpler times when captaining her Screaming Divas involved no more than coordinating the icing of a six-pack for post-match consumption. Now, she must spend an inordinate amount of time analyzing statistics, drafting proposed lineups, organizing practices that inevitably result in odd-numbered attendance due to the erratic nature of Divas' schedules, handling the many personal and potentially legal crises of her sweet Diva puppies, or thinking about doing these things.

In their most recent match against the dubitable Brandywine Ballers, the Screaming Divas rocked the courts with Diva Lisa (see file image, right) winning singles, your Captain O' Captain and Leen taking first doubles in two sets, and Tonya and Shilo barely losing second doubles. Yo' Captain and Leen were behind in both sets, yet incorporated a strategy of "Bitch Slapping©" the ball in a way that caused the opponents to shriek periodically as if being attacked, and creating a scenario wherein the Ballers grew progressively confused at the aggressive physical nature of the game at hand. In an unprecedented move, Diva Leen then ran around the net and chest bumped the deucy-side player, knocking her to the ground. It is possible though not probable that the resulting concussion may have affected the Baller's reaction time to the repeated Bitch-Slap© shots. At the conclusion of the match, Diva Leen was seen ripping open a bottle of Belgian beer with her teeth and spitting the cap at a weeping, bleeding Baller.

The Divas recently had an impromptu practice, which your Captain O' Captain (see image, left) has now established as a compulsory volunteer event for all active Divas. During a break, Diva Anna was spotted inexplicably sunbathing one leg and one arm. (See image right.)

Your Captain O' Captain is attempting to work with Diva Tonya and her insistence on carrying a refrigerator everywhere she goes. Your Captain has politely suggested that Diva Tonya leave the full size model in her bedroom and purchase a dorm size version for travel. (See image below left.) Your Captain is scheduling an Official Intervention as soon as she can arrange for appropriate keg rental and an regulation-size beer pong table.

More significantly, the Divas gave birth to a new member. Diva Jane Paulsen (see image, right) has joined the Screaming Divas and, to date, is blissfully unaware that all Divas must undergo full immersion baptism in clear fluid followed by a vegetarian sushi dinner at the home of the Captain O' Captain, similar to the membership criteria required by Riverbend Church outlined here (in part, "baptism by immersion after salvation" and BBQ after salvation at Pastor Hargrave's home). Your Captain O' Captain sincerely hopes that you click here to review the criteria for admission to Riverbend Church, so that you can help her provide Pastor Hargrave with "evidence of salvation," as she does wish to avoid being "cast into hell" and thrown headfirst into the "Lake of Fire."

January 21, 2010. Yikes, my poopkas. Our Fighting Divas managed to beat the odds and lose EVERY set against the monstrous Brandywiners last week ... a team comprised of chimeras and basilisks, who appeared to be drinking blood from crusty thermoses during the odd-numbered change overs, while our own team sipped the nectar of kindness from recyclable paper cups.

Your Captain O' Captain fought to the end against the semi-professional heavyweight singles player, losing 7-5, 6-3, but maintaining her dignity by only screaming "Oh My Mother-F(*&^%$# God Help Me Hit the Mother-F(*&^%$# Ball Over the Mother-F(*&^%$# Net" a mere 18 times in one set, and only physically attacking her opponent with her racquet butt when strictly necessary to make a point. This being her second singles match this year, she feels confident that she has nowhere to go but up or down.

Unfortunately, a sufficient number of evenings of revelry have passed wherein your Doctor Captain has forgotten the other Divas' match details, so instead, she will offer you some sage yet possibly counter-productive advice for battle on the tennis courts based on her own intense pre-match preparations, which include the ancient ritual of a receiving a facial mud-smear from a traveling shaman, followed by gazing into the abyss in an effort, sometimes vain and painful, of harnessing the physical prowess and orgasmic focus possessed by us all and yet rarely utilized. (See video, left.) While your Doctor Captain has been working steadily on her tennis game, she also, according to one of her erudite correspondents, may be considering some "neurologically endorsed flashes of insight that will leave listeners slightly imbalanced, seeing in a new light, unifying logic and intuition, passion and compassion, building blocks for the new myths we all crave, the compellingly plausible, bridging mind and body." Regarding tennis match preparations, your Doctor Captain suggests moderate libations, which in her case may include a small iced glass of Almond Breeze fortified with a shot of fire water procured from the Appalachian hinterlands. She also recommends that all Divas bring two racquets to any match wherein their Doctor Captain is scheduled to perform, as she has a tendency to forget hers.

January 5, 2010. Welcome back to earth, my little buttercups! Sweet loves, your Doctor Captain is back, ready to wield her racquet like a bayonet into the bellies of the opposition. The year of 2010 will begin with a raucous match at Port Orange Park. Your Doctor Captain asks that all Divas shift from consumption mode to cleansing, fasting, and voiding all foreign substances from their bodies, their temples. Potent diuretics and/or diarrhetics will be supplied, if requested.

November 13, 2009. Due to unforeseen circumstances of an inconsequential nature, as well as a period of emotional turmoil attributed to her status as a human, Your Doctor Captain has been lax in reporting on the status of her swinging Divas. She did, however, recently successfully identify, target, and acquire two new Divas to serve the cause. Granted, the circumstances were suspect. It was hovering around midnight at a local bar, and the prospective Divas-In-Question were at least mildly inebriated, though not believed to be smoking crack, and your Doctor Captain has been known to be extremely attractive to the intoxicated population. After some wily inquiries by your Doctor Captain, the tipsy tennis players seemed to perk at the prospect of playing for a team that offers beer-tennis sessions on Sunday afternoons. Your Doctor Captain then issued a formal invitation, utilizing an ethically questionable but effective rhetorical strategy. The new Divas accepted, were coronated on the spot, and have not been seen since. 

In any case, your Doctor Captain is back and will be reporting on the status, whereabouts, comings and goings, and menopausal status of the Screaming Divas 4.0 Thursday night team. Please send complaints and libel suits to WTF-RUSerious@screamingdivas.net. Tennis photos coming soon.

October 9, 2009. Your Doctor Captain is still wiping the sweat from her brow after her battle last night against the Oceans singles player who, admittedly, accumulated more points than your dear Doctor Captain over the course of the evening. Your Doctor Captain can only say that she clenched all of her body parts together, in a manner that would have made Dr. Kegel slap his thighs in delight, and fought zealously to the end, retaining a modicum of pride that in her first singles match of the year, she did not thrust the racquet butt into her opposition's homonymically-related body part after particular point losses that caused your Captain O' Captain substantial fluid loss. Sweat, my little chickens, sweat. There was no guttural retching or hot urine of a Diva left on the court. Post-match, she felt a heated sensation in her face and the pressure of her conscience pressing on the back of her head, similar to freefalling with a shorter-than-average man pressing his hand on the back of her head (see image, left--click to enlarge), as a result of her realization that had she prevailed, her adoring Divas would have reigned victorious over Oceans, as Divas Tonya and partner won second doubles and Divas Lisa and Leen lost first doubles. But alas, they must go on to seek dominance another day.

Divas Lisa and Leen managed to lose with incredible style and verve to the savage Oceans players--one with long, unnaturally lightening blond hair that she used as a weapon to whip her partner into a frenzy, who was at one point seen wrapping her long ponytail around the woman's throat and screaming: "Shove it down their throats, B*tch!". Throughout the match, Diva Leen, known for her Belgium fighting spirit and baby soft voice that sounds like butter going down the throat of a panda, was seen chewing on nails that she pulled from the wooden benches with her teeth. She would periodically grimace spit them at Diva Lisa who was playing with only one arm and required medical attention from her Doctor Captain after her first thrashing of the season. Her Doctor Captain selflessly provided the injured Diva with ice from her beer cooler as a palliative for the loss of the game and all sensation in her shoulder. She punished the willing Diva Leen later for her insubordination on the court.

Divas Tonya and her partner managed to pull off the only Diva victory last night, winning in two violent sets wherein Diva Tonya reportedly smashed a beer bottle over her own head and bellowed out the lyrics to Aretha Franklin's combination feminist/gay-man anthem "R-E-S-P-E-C-T" unintentionally misspelling and replacing it with an anagram "S-P-E-C-T-E-R" - a visible ghostlike creature - which the opposition misheard as "Sphincter" - the annular muscle - causing no end of carnage with racquets and balls being thrust into unimaginably small but well-used body cavities. There was a spewing of profanities from both sides that was impressive both in its breadth and depth. A small passel of street whores who wandered off A1A upon hearing the stream of expletives was seen taking notes along the back fence.

October 5, 2009. Exciting news, my Sweet Children O' Mine. We have a Forgotten Diva in our midst. A diva who recently played under cover as a Diva-ette is actually ON our team. In her haste to acquire players for last Thursday's match, your Doctor Captain inadvertently acquired her own player. Your Doctor Captain can only attribute this oversight to chemicals produced in response to overflowing love and passion for her physically attractive but technically unstable stable of Divas, and she will not attribute it to advanced age or bathing in Champagne (the fluid rather than the picturesque travel destination).

October 1, 2009. All your Doctor Captain has to say is: WTF? Your Doctor Captain leaves her Divas to their own devices for one match and havoc ensues. She can only be grateful that there were no complaints filed against her underlings for engaging in alcoholic brouhahas or licentious behavior with inappropriate targets of affection. As your Doctor Captain sipped seafood chowder with a cluster of serious scholars along the Cape Fear River, she received word by carrier pigeon that her Once Glorious Screaming Divas and Diva-ettes have experienced a crushing blow to their collective ego. Defeated in every position? She almost choked on her chowder and was saved only by her quick acting esophageal muscles and her unwavering belief in the redemptive powers of the Militant Diva Training Camp system. Be prepared, Divas, for an intense, painful practice session involving castigatory measures to prevent further season losses.

September 24, 2009. O' glorious Divas! Your Doctor Captain fears that her Diva Team has been infected by a vicious strain of bovine spongiform encephalopathy, inhibiting their ability to hit the tennis ball over the net and yet keep it within the lines drawn around the court. The Screaming Divas suffered a defeat this week against Port Orange Park, with only Diva Lisa winning singles against an opponent seemingly unaccustomed to the sport.

Doctor Captain and Diva Leen played together for the first time, bonding over a shared irritation at one of their opponents who would emit strange rhinosaurus-like moans and roll her dark, empty eyes skyward in apparent disgust at line calls that she perceived from great distance to be misjudgments. This created a situation wherein Diva Leen felt compelled to whisper to Doctor Captain that she wanted in fact to commit felonious acts upon the demented black-haired reprobate involving the racquet and the fuzzy tennis ball. Doctor Captain petted Leen gently on the head and suggested that kindness begets kindness, and that Divas must occasionally suffer fools gladly, and then the Divas kindly though not gladly allowed the middle-aged Port Orange women to achieve a hard earned victory. The Divas note that their opposition was far more middle-aged than the more sprightly Divas, and they further note that the Divas likely lost to the decades of collective experience of their opposition, judging by the advanced ages of those players. More on Diva Tonya and Diva Anna's match soon.

September 17, 2009. Four of the five Screaming Divas drove their team into a devastating loss this evening against the freakishly effervescent Florida Tennis Center, though it is unclear whether gender violations have been committed on the part of the Divas' opposition. It appeared that the giggling and pinkish outfits donned by the FTC "women" may have possibly been subterfuge for a packet of svelte, slightly effeminate men masquerading as a 4.0 cougars. In an effort to draw the "women's" attention away from the court, Doctor Captain exploded into some vicious pole dancing moves during a changeover (see image, left). But alas, her audience of "women" seemed undaunted by her inexplicitly unwieldy choreography topped off by a lap dance with an unnamed bystander that could only be described as "fantastically unbecoming yet provocative."

Post-match, the two Diva doubles teams immediately consumed impressive quarts of Michelob Light, with Diva Anna (see image, right) pointing out that while she and Doctor Captain were consistently behind, they did make an impressive comeback in each set from 4-1 to 6-4 before they threw each set over the precipice.

In a post-match interview, both Doctor Captain and Diva Anna acknowledged being distracted by unexplained "bulk" under their opposing players' nylon tennis skirts and wondering if, perhaps, the power behind the punches came from balls that were not green and fuzzy. Or at least not green. The Divas are holding their tongues, however (for lack of anything else to do with them), and accept full responsibility for their loss against the "stronger" girly-man team.

Diva Lisa did manage to pull off a win in a third-set tiebreaker against a bandana-wearing player of great strength and fortitude. It was unclear whether the two were playing tennis or engaging in what the landmark Masters and Johnson survey of human sexuality might classify as extended noncoital foreplay engendered by mild mutual misogyny typical in a post-feminist age (if, in fact, the survey were updated).

In the extended debriefing session attended by Doctor Diva, Diva Leen (see image, far right), and Diva Tonya (see image, right), it was established that Diva Leen's problem may stem from her reliance on her husband to "remove her thingies" wherein the dependent Diva has never had to take care of her thingies herself. In this instance, Diva Tonya explained that Diva Leen would be required by Diva law to participate in a forced separation from any male counterpart who "removed her thingies" so as to insure total Diva devotion and sacrifice on the court. The results of Diva Tonya's situation assessment are still pending and under review by Doctor Captain.

New photos from the evening are posted here. (Note the term is "new" not "nude". Those are found on a separate site.)

September 10, 2009. The Screaming Divas' 2009-10 season began at home against Racquet Tennis Center with Diva Tonya, prior to her first 4.0 match, sauntering into the Trails Clubhouse sucking on an Amstel Light bottle and choosing not to feign sobriety. (See file image, right.) Doctor Captain quickly admonished her and slammed the half-drunk beer bottle against a wall, causing several useless children to flee but no loss of life. Tonya managed to stumble onto the court with Diva Leen, who informed Doctor Captain minutes prior to the match that she was missing tendons in her hand due to an unfortunate encounter with a falling bathroom mirror. (See image, left.) Doctor Captain, being a Doctor of the Existential Human Condition rather than one of the Human Body and therefore not quite knowing the function of hand tendons, patted her minion on her Belgian head and suggested that she fling herself across the net, causing her opponent sufficient injury to require a forfeit. The Diva partners inexplicably chose to "play it out" and are now in a tiebreaker due to rain.

In singles, Diva Lisa tended toward quiet domination using an impressively unconventional style of play, consisting primarily of stoic ground strokes and some incongruous pole dancing moves that seemed to discombobulate her opponent. (See representative image, left) When the perplexed player once questioned Diva Lisa's scorekeeping accuracy, the irate Diva began thrusting her hips wildly and then, according to one witness, pulled a stethoscope out of her tennis bag and strangled her opponent until she agreed that Diva Lisa was correct now and always. Unfortunately, the second set resulted in a tiebreaker that was rained out at 4-3. They will meet again, with the Racquet Tennis Center player most certainly wearing protective gear and a hardened disposition.

Doctor Captain (see image, right) and Diva Anna in first-position doubles, hailed victorious in two sets against their exceptionally blond haired opposition, winning the first set 6-3. Diva Anna managed to poach and smash several volleys across the net, causing her opponent to spin around in fright, creating a situation wherein the ball nearly entered the blond woman's body through her pleat-obscured, gender-neutral orifice. Doctor Captain exhibited her usual brute force paying no mind to form or style. The Divas were up 5-2 in the second set when their opponents, who had obviously consumed a mouthful of illegal steroids during the "water break," came back to take the set to 6-6, causing a tiebreaker situation. The Divas, in their now usual functional lassitude, were up 6-2 in the tiebreaker but allowed their opponents a fleeting hope of victory when they lost the next three points, bringing the tiebreaker to 6-5. Diva Anna was serving while simultaneously frothing at the mouth, and in a Diva-like burst of power, returned the return to a place where there was no further possibility for a return, sending the Diva first-position doubles team to uncontested victory.

The Screaming Divas look forward to their next match against the Women of the Florida Tennis Center and have vowed to try to avoid spitting and calling them "whores and harlots" aloud, though they make no promises.

September 7, 2007. Divas, let the battle ensue. Brace yourself for glorious victory with your Captain O' Captain leading the charge, riding the helm, driving the lead car, at the front of the line ... Your Captain O' would like to avert your attention to the fact that she was highlighted in a large News-Journal photo that displayed her cat-like reflexes, cheetah-like speed, and super-human agility (see photo right). Your Captain was featured in another photo in a News-Journal companion piece, wherein she was inexplicably missing a ball. The photographer apparently caught the once-in-an-evening shot while your Captain O' Captain was pondering the mysteries of the universe rather than the little, sprightly tennis ball spiraling past her right side. She will refrain from publishing that photo on the Diva site, lest she undo the Divas' impression of her as an unerring, infallible match player. Your Captain will point out that she was not the subject of the article in question, but instead, simply an easy target for the photographer/journalist who perhaps admired her unconventional style o' play. Others have called this same style o' play "bad form," but your demure Captain O' Captain thinks those "others" have been munching on sour grapes.

2007 ... The Screaming Divas 2007 GVTL Friday morning 3.5 Lite team is now forming. If you are a Power Player with a hankering for victory at all costs, including loss of limb and dignity, please contact the Captain O' Captain. Some of you have confirmed this interest in being a Screaming Diva, notwithstanding your ignorance that by agreeing to serve on this particular Friday morning team, you become a Diva, ipso facto. If, in fact, you have agreed to serve as a Diva and are now frightened for your reputation and well-being, your Captain O’ Captain can offer you no solace. Her only suggestion would be to join a team more likely to require uniforms of pleated skirts and collared shirts. Divas are not the most genteel of women and you should expect some high level preening and retail competition amongst your Diva colleagues. This leads your Captain O’ Captain to inform you that Divas are also a highly competitive bunch, often despite their lack of ability and skill. As well, the team is large-ish, in the way that a Diva’s ego may be large-ish - conceivably more bloated than satisfying. Therefore, if you are not in fact a 3.5 player on the court (Divas care nothing for ratings), you may find yourself playing less than a more experienced Diva, but you certainly will play and will enjoy the team practices and camaraderie engendered throughout the season. “More experience” in this context does not refer to Divas who’ve been rode hard and hung up wet. So, Divas-in-Waiting, please email me to let me know your status, if I haven’t already made contact with you. Your Captain O’ Captain welcomes you into her open arms and hopes to see you soon. 

June 6, 2006. This is the day of our greatest triumph. Our day of reckoning has come and gone and we are VICTORIOUS.

As you may have surmised, your Captain O'Captain is zealously opposed to any separation of church and state, and finds no better way to celebrate this divinely inspired Diva victory then by enjoying the former U.S. Attorney General, John Ashcroft, rejoicing in the spirit framed by the American flag and an unflappable sense of righteousness. (See video.) But, Your Captain certainly does not wish to politicize this moment, so she will demurely let Mister Ashcroft sing for himself and move onto other matters.

Here are our playoff dates:

• July 14-16 – Regionals at Florida Tennis Center & Ormond Beach Tennis Center

• August 11-13 – Sectionals at Florida Tennis Center

• September 29-October 1 – Nationals in Tucson

Please email Your Captain right away with scheduling conflicts that you think you might have, so that she can arrange for Rose to visit your house and convince you, by force if necessary, that those conflicts don’t actually exist.

It is imperative that we pull ourselves upright after a long night of celebrating (sleeping, drinking, whatever) and remember that the road ahead will be paved with the bodies of our opponents … but only if we kill them first. So, start sharpening your racquets, ladies. We’ve got some violence to do. Practices will be further intensified at this point, if not in numbers at least in sweat. Your Captain would like to develop some concrete doubles teams and figure out the best Diva-combinations available, so that Doubles Divas may practice properly together. All of your input would be greatly appreciated, as your Diva Captain’s head is currently spinning from all of the choices she faces – odd or even, up or down, D or P, white wine or red.

Your Captain will report on one of our matches this evening that was thwarted by an opponent so bizarre that Your Captain cannot help but wonder if the wildly belligerent woman belonged in an institutionalized setting where meals are passed through slotted doors and body cavity searches are regular and probing. In this particular match, our Divas became perplexed as the woman screamed and thrashed about in both celebration of points won and dejection at points lost. In addition, the woman seemed obsessed with her own existence. It was observed that even the insane woman's partner was embarrassed by the nature of her outbursts. After the match, one of the Divas politely told the strange woman that she was "the most obnoxious player" that she had ever encountered on the court to which the woman replied, "You're a sore loser." At that point, one Diva's entire family, consisting of a well tanned husband and four exceptionally sightly children, descended upon the cankerous player, held her by each appendage, and slowly pulled out each of her eyelashes. As the woman screamed in tongues, Rose grabbed a handful of green olives supplied by Shearline for the after-match bash, and stuffed them up the constrained woman's nose.

There are various accounts of what happened next, but all that Your Captain knows for certain is that a large block of cheddar cheese vanished at approximately the same time that the aforementioned opponent screamed in pain and seemed to be frantically reaching into her tennis skirt in a manner that made spectators wonder whether she had lost a bit of toilet paper. It can only be said that Dionne was seen washing her hands with antibacterial soap a few minutes later.
 

May 30, 2006. Your Captain is sad to report that she cannot describe this week's match, as she cannot see past the tears. Labor on, Divas! Tomorrow is another day.

May 23, 2006. Oh glory be, DIVAS! Victory is ours! Feel it; hold it in your hands! Smell it! Taste it; lick the sweet taste of hot, buttery success! The Divas truly dominated on home court last night, with Belinda throwing her long, svelte self onto the court with a vengeance, beating her opponent 6-1, 6-3 and later swinging up her legs and demanding that the Oceans player admire her delicately tattooed ankles. When the woman resisted, Belinda pulled a large, diamond broach from her tennis bag and gouged out the woman's eyes. Belinda is currently in detox, but should be back to "normal" in short order. Liz wiped the courts with her opposition, winning 6-2, 6-0. The court manager, Ann Swires, did advise Liz that it's inappropriate to shout "Hot damn, ain't life a bitch, bitch!" every time the woman missed a ball.

Katy and Rose played first position against the Oceans' Machine-Like players and fought like Diva dervishes, ultimately losing but pulling off one of the most beautiful losses ever pulled off in Diva history (3-6, 7-6 [?-?]). The Divas are exceptionally proud of Katy and Rose and plan to honor them by a moment of silence at 3:45 a.m., next Monday. Lynn and Lynn started slowly, as the heat of the night had caused something wet and salty to drip into their eyes. They consulted with Ann about the "warm rain" and Ann swept them aside to explain that combining heat and activity causes "sweat," which can stain clothing temporarily and cause a slight deterioration of cosmetics applied around the eye area. With a more comprehensive understanding of bodily fluids, Lynn and Lynn womped the ball in ways that left their opponents scratching their unkempt hairdos in disbelief. These fighting Divas came a smidgeon away from losing to win the match in a split set tiebreaker - after playing a 2nd set tiebreaker (3-6, 7-6 [10-8]).

Dionne and Barb started the match by pinning their opponents against the fence. Barb licked one woman's ear while Dionne laughed uncontrollably, gripping her belly. The Divas whispered simultaneously in the frightened players' ears: "You're mine, lady." While the Oceans players remained unavoidably detained, Ann crept over to the bench and poured a slightly yellow fluid into their orange-flavored Gatorade. This would be suspect if Ann were still a urine collector for the prison system, but it is believed that she was recently relieved of that position in exchange for a small settlement. Dionne and Barb beat their opponents 6-2, 6-2. Their opponents were sighted begging a golf maintenance man for a sip of his water.

May 17, 2006. Oh woe unto me! Divas, what the bloody hell happened out there last night? Your Captain is in such serious mourning that she can barely type these words. We had Belinda in #1 singles win 6-1, 6-4, with spectators commenting that Belinda's plate sized glittery earrings may have hypnotized her opponent into a semi-conscious state. The woman reportedly left the court muttering something like "I must have diamond I must have shiny object" whereupon she'd then feel her empty earlobes and cry out as if in pain. Liz came through in#2 singles with a 6-3, 6-3 win, which should have brought us the glory, but our Doubles Divas were apparently on some sort of hallucinogenic drug vacation; their arms swung their racquets not at the little green ball, but rather at their own nasty, inner demons. Unfortunately, those demons did not fly over the net properly and caused us a dismal evening. Your Captain and Diva Kim did manage an uncommon feat, however, in that they were beating their opponents 5-1 and yet still lost the set. Your Captain had to forcibly remove Kim's fist from her opponent's underarm area where she was ramming it repeatedly, while Kim was - yet again - screaming obscenities and just slightly frothing at the mouth. Ultimately, they lost 5-7, 3-6, and Kim remains in custody as a result of the some-would-say-overused Baker's Act.

Dionne and Katy valiantly struggled against the Super Human #1 position doubles players, losing 4-6, 6-7. Some would say they lost with grace; others would say that Dionne's full body slam of the deuce-y side player disqualifies her as "graceful" in the traditional sense of the word. Nancy and Barbara came closest of all to bringing home a doubles win, reaching a tiebreaker, but ultimately succumbing to the freakishly diabolical and frankly militant #3 doubles opposition players in a 6-4, 4-6, 9-11 loss.

Sometimes it takes a little pressure to get Divas motivated to think beyond their next Cosmopolitan. Get ready to rock the courts, Divas. Next week is a new day.

May 10, 2006. O’ joyous day, Divas. We beat the Oceans in our first match on our own screaming home court last night. And, we welcome a new Diva into the fold: Barbara. Dionne and Kim hauled her out and threw her on the court and Barbara pulled through in a great match at #3 doubles with Nancy, winning 6-2, 6-4. It was reported that during a break between sets, Nancy pulled her under the bench and threatened her with ostracism from Diva social gatherings if she missed a ball during the second set. Full of fear but also a grudging admiration for Nancy’s Diva style, Barbara obeyed for the most part. Nancy rewarded her with a smack on the backside and a loud belch.

The match actually started with a bit of commotion when a young, voluptuous vixen was spotted on the courts (no, it wasn’t your luscious Captain O’ Captain), wearing bootie shorts and a spaghetti strapped tank top extenuated out by body parts exclusive to the mammal classification of animals. She apparently wondered into the Women’s league – the other team, thankfully – not knowing the physical requirements. The Divas hadn’t seen body parts of this nature on their own bodies since the early 1970s. In any case, the Divas circled around the girl, naturally wanting to pelt her with stones. Fortunately for the young thing, Jackie intervened and led her by the hand to the first position singles court and pelted her with tennis balls. Jackie won 6-1, 6-0 and the poor girl tearfully fled the courts.

Rose and Lynne came through with a decisive victory in #2 doubles position and Rose did not even have to vomit on anyone. Their opponents apparently felt that Lynne had glue in her eyes, however, and disputed one of her line calls, not knowing that Lynne was the ‘most nicest Diva on earth’ and would not do anything to risk losing that title. Ann came out to officiate and had to be restrained from smacking the opponents, only agreeing to step back when someone reminded her that causing an injury might violate the terms of her probation. Rose and Lynne won against Jyan and Alysia 6-2, 6-3.

Your Captain had more trouble against her opponent in 2nd position singles, though pulled through in the first set, after a series of irritating events. After her opponent made some suspicious line calls, your Captain kindly asked, “Are you sure about that one?” Her opponent adamantly assured her that “she saw green,” which your Captain thought might not have been a reference to the court, but rather the Green Monster of Jealously at your Captain’s rather fashionable attire. Nevertheless, your Captain assumed that her opponent’s glasses fogged up in the muggy night air, blocking her vision. The game moved forward until the Oceans’ player adamantly disputed one of your Captain’s line calls. Your Captain assured her that her ball was, in fact, out. But, her opponent stated that it wasn’t and implied that your Captain was a liar. This didn’t sit well with your Captain, as she had already favored her opponent with multiple close calls and to question your Captain’s integrity was unacceptable. So, the fuming Oceans’ player was given the option to get a line judge, which she declined. At that point, your Captain grabbed the razor sharp pop top from a tennis can, dove across the net, ripped off her opponent’s shirt, and was preparing to cut out her heart, when she saw that her opponent was in fact a cyborg – a human head attached to a robotic body. Around that time, her opponent sprayed some sort of time release tranquilizer in your Captain’s eyes, so that while she won the first set out of sheer passion, your Captain lost the second set and the tiebreaker, because she was almost asleep. Final scores: 3-6, 6-3, 2-10.

The 1st position doubles match also did not play out as planned, though the Divas both received multiple compliments from observers on the game for their fine form and intimidating outfits. Kim and Dionne (Dionne West, whose name seems to be an existential culinary quirk, in that its anagram is “Dine on stew”) played hard, but lost 6-1, 6-3. After the match, Dionne was seen holding one of her opponents down on the ground by pressing the butt of her tennis racket near the woman’s jugular vein while Kim stepped on the screaming woman’s fingers. Kim was heard saying, “Beat us now, %i$ch!” The woman’s partner cowered in the corner.

April 26, 2006. Your Webmaster is back. Some uncanny witchcraft sprinkled on the Internet by the heinous opposition teams put the Screaming Divas' Web site in a state of disarray. Because of your Webmaster's rigorous academic schedule and skin care regimen, she had been heretofore unable to correct the situation. But today being her last day of class ever (in approximately one years' time, you will be referring to her respectfully as Dr. Diva), she has forgone studying for her final exam in order to rectify all things Diva. You may thank her at your will. In any case, the USTA season has begun and practice is commencing this week. It seems that every Diva has a different schedule on Friday, with some being only able to practice in the morning, some in the afternoon, and some at the precipice of darkness. We are now looking at Saturday morning at 9 a.m., with Friday being optional. (Your Diva Captain would like to play on Friday, so if you'd like to play with her, perhaps you could contact her privately.)

We will have TWO teams to play against this season, in a total of six matches. These matches are TENTATIVELY scheduled for Tuesday nights, though nothing is certain. Your Diva Master had requested Thursday matches, but for some reason, her request has gone unheeded. If you have a problem with Tuesday night, please contact your Diva Captain immediately. She will use all of her powers to ensure everyone plays at their convenience. Your Diva Captain loves her little minions. And, your Webmaster hopes that she is not scaring the new Diva Seals who might not be inured to the tone and style of her written voice.

February 10, 2006. Your Diva Master is sad to report that Ann and Clare were arrested a few days ago. The two women watched some sub-par GVTL Women's tennis from the illustrious Tomoka Oaks viewing area, while drinking themselves into a stupor. Their intoxication may have caused the questionable judgment that followed. Against the advice of both your Diva Master and their respective church pastors, Ann and Clare continued to cavort with known male 'escorts' under surveillance by police, whom they acquired after Clare called 1-900-HOT-GUYS. Ann can be seen attempting to hold back one of the escorts as he tried to leave the Tomoka Oaks tennis facility. The men became suspicious when they heard Ann whisper to Clare about something vague about soft leather and chains. Later, in a desperate attempt to achieve some sort of intimacy with "Seth," Ann tore off her shirt and threw herself on his slightly oiled and completely hairless body. Clare threw handfuls of pennies at another of the men and demanded that he comb her hair. Initially unbeknownst to the women, all of the escorts were openly gay, in committed relationships, and had just that night decided to stop prostituting themselves for money. Ann, upon hearing this, offered to buy the entire group tickets to the late night showing of Brokeback Mountain, if they would promise to "please not tell Shearline" about the night.

Your Diva Master is so distracted by this turn of events that she is unable to report on Diva matches this week, other than to say that they won some and they lost some, but looked awfully fine all along the way.

January 31, 2006. The Divas played a makeup match against Oceanside Country Club at home, wherein some won and some lost. As is the Diva custom, those who lost consumed several gallons of cheap scotch and passed out on the parked automobiles of their opponents. The winners, Captain Ellen and her intrepid doubles partner, managed to stomp their opponents into the wet, pasty earth in a 6-0, 6-2 match that had Ellen showing her true competitive colors. In a flying dive for the ball, she sang a screaming rendition of Aretha Franklin's "Respect" to the consternation and confusion of those around her.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Find out what it means to me
R-E-S-P-E-C-T!!!

After doing a triple cartwheel on the court and knocking out one of her opponents, Ellen donned high heels and finished the song:

Oh (sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me)
A little respect (sock it to me, sock it to me,
sock it to me, sock it to me)
Whoa, babe (just a little bit)!!!

Ann Swires, Tomoka Oaks League Authoritarian, severely admonished Ellen, wherein she promised not to repeat her performance next week, though Clare noted that Ellen's fingers were mysteriously crossed behind her back during the promise-making conversation.

A side note: Your Webmaster has found a new site that might interest the Divas, given their propensity for vanity and all things superfluous. www.WhiteRabbitBeauty.com sells cosmetics that don't hurt rabbits. Now, your Webmaster understands that the Divas have never shown any particular concern for rabbits, outside of fantasizing about becoming one of Hugh Hefner's girls. But, you may recall that we - some of us - did support puppies and kitty cats by wearing clothes emblazoned with pole dancers a while back. The connection between pole dancers and puppy dogs was always nebulous and something we need not revisit. However, shopping at a site that protects bunnies might give the Divas a sort of philanthropic air that we could use to demoralize our opponents. Your fair-skinned Webmaster ordered from the site when she realized that the products were generally free of toxins and squished beetles. (The artificial colorings 'carmine' and cochineal' are comprised of squished beetles. You will find this coloring in many popular cosmetics, as well as food.)

January 10, 2006. For those of you anxiously awaiting Diva news, this will be big ... There are new Divas in town. The Screaming Divas have been reborn in the form of Ellen's Tuesday morning 3.0 team. In a strange twist, some of the team members are unaware of their Diva status. Be assured that your Webmaster remains the same as always ... A voice of reason in a sea of pre-, post-, and presently-menopausal women determined to shove their variously proportioned buttocks into short, clingy tennis skirts. The Divas are most excited to welcome Clare, who recently won Wimbledon, in addition to supporting Roger Federer during a "funsie" match during the U.S. Open.

Today's matches at Port Orange Park went well for two out of three of the Diva positions. Unfortunately, yours truly and her partner, Clare, couldn't defeat their opponents in the #2 position after three sets. The Port Orange duo fought like fiends, lobbing balls miles into the sky so that Clare had to slam herself into the fence and throw herself forward for a chance at touching the ball after the bounce. Several times, she screamed wildly for yours truly to "GET IT" and "BOUNCE IT" and, in a moment of forgetfulness, thinking she was in a darkened bar rather than a sunlight tennis court, Clare shouted, "BOTTLES UP!" It was unfortunate that Clare failed to notice that her partner was wearing a sleek, sexy tennis top inside out for the entire match, though it explains why their opponents' sang a taunting version of Dianna Ross's "Upside Down You Turn Me" while twisting their upper bodies from side to side. Katy and Nancy heard the shenanigans, but were too busy smashing balls over the net and into their opponents' faces to intervene. Katy assured Clare and her partner afterward that were the Port Orange players to brandish firearms, she would have pulled out her seldom used but always polished short recoil 9 mm Luger semi-automatic pistol with a standard magazine capacity of 17 rounds of ammunition. Kathy and Robin beat their opponents solidly and then threw ice in the losers' faces to symbolize Tomoka Oaks solidarity and the end of the match.